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Poppy Toade

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[08 Dec 2012|08:32am]

Apparently my sister got an e-mail from LJ, informing her that the account has been logged in several different times...from a Boston College IP address... which is where my dad works. Coincidence? How about when paired with the fact that our mother used to track all of our internet usage and use spyware to get our passwords to everything?

She just called me to let me know. After looking further into the situation, the two locations are Chestnut Hill and Newtonville. Right around where my dad works... and right where we used to live.

I haven't gotten the same notifications. But the past few entries I've made have been public, and have very much been about my parents, so perhaps they saw it and wanted to know if Kirsten has been writing about them, too.

But really??? Really mom and dad??? We're going to revert back to this behavior? I know this hasn't been easy on any of us, but hacking into your daughter's personal blog is surely not going to help improve any of our relationships.
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Love, family, and facing facts. [04 Dec 2012|03:01am]
Posted this quote on FB, something I saw on tumblr that spoke to me. l3antha reflected on this quote in her entry today, and it made me want to do the same.

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

This is how I feel about the situation regarding my parents right now.

I want to have a relationship with them. I want my parents to be able to have a relationship with both of their daughters. There's no doubt in my mind about them loving or caring about us - I know they do. I love and care about them, too. But talking to them isn't improving anything, nor does it seem to bring about any happiness. In fact, talking to them brings me such sadness. I keep feeling this pressure to break through to them. Speaking my mind, speaking the truth, it doesn't seem to get through that defensive wall they put up. Doesn't help that I put one up the same wall. Pretty sure I learned that technique from them.

After our last phone conversation, when my mom said "You could call us, you know," I kept thinking maybe I'll just send one last e-mail to let her know how I feel... but I think that's all it will turn out to be. Continuous disappointment. Pain. Wondering if my parents will ever understand the trauma or the mental illness that has occurred in our family. I talked to my sister recently, and she put it best when she said "Most of our relationship [with our parents] has been based on this lie that everything is okay, that mom isn't depressed."

That lie has had such an impact on our lives. I keep trying to find a way to share this with them, and am met with nothing; maybe they won't ever be able to accept it.

Perhaps I must face the reality that nothing will get resolved. Maybe they won't be able to face any of the problems, even if I find I'm ready and willing to try therapy. Maybe I do just need to walk away. I love my parents, but I don't even know who they are, really.

I am trying to move forward with my life, but I'm still hanging on to this. That little voice in my head keeps saying "that one last e-mail could make all the difference." I think about the dream I had embodying all of this, where my mom finally broke down her wall, mourned for all those years lost to depression, and we cried and embraced.

Maybe I just really need to face the fact that this could never happen, no matter how much I love them.
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[22 Oct 2012|03:54pm]
Busted my oil pan a few hours ago while bringing ear drops to andrew during his lunch break. Awesome. Not only my first experience with my own personal car trouble, but my first experience getting treated like shit at a shop. The guy was telling me that my car could take 3 different kinds of oil pans, so theyd have to lift it to see. I told him the car can take 2 kinds of oil pans and proceeded to tell him which ones (andrew had texted me all this info). The guy simply goes, "Like i said, theres 3 different kinds" and walks off...then i sit around for an hour or so while jack shit gets done. Guy doesnt even fill me in about the oil pan getting ordered...not that I felt like approaching him after getting completely disregarded. Now I feel like crap and cant stop crying and just want to go home. Luckily my friend Corrie is coming to get me so i wont be stuck at Andrews work anymore, and shell be able to give me a lift to work tomorrow. Fuck me. I had shit I wanted to get done, and now Im just a mess.

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Lucy <3 [31 May 2012|12:43am]
Last night I had an amazing acid trip.Collapse )

It turned out the be exactly what I was looking for an exactly what I needed.

2 comments|post comment

Bodily conflicts [19 Jan 2012|11:06am]
Can't tell if I'm hungry

or just very gassy...
4 comments|post comment

Tumblr whore [20 Dec 2011|02:12pm]
I really enjoy tumblr, btw. Now I will whore out my tumblr to you.

Click me!!!"

Where I post my art, when I actually remember to (I'm getting better about remembering!!!)

Currently working on a watermark for my images.

Let me know what you think! I will continue to whore out my tumblr here periodically.
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How many butts do you see in this picture? [01 Jun 2010|01:35am]

Cause I see four.
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Uncomfortable revelations. [01 Apr 2010|12:17am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

It's probably not news to you that we don't have the best, or the healthiest relationship, and that we have a lot of issues communicating with each other. But I want to let you know, one of my biggest fears is that you'll die before we ever really resolve things, and I'm going to be left feeling empty and regretful for not trying harder to "fix" our relationship.

I don't know if it can be "fixed." I think the only way I'll feel comfortable opening up to you is if you start taking better care of yourself. This is really hard for me to say. It has truly pained me to see you so depressed all these years. I want you to be happy. I know I can't change you. You have to want to change yourself.

Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but I do want us to get along.

I just have no idea where to start.

5 comments|post comment

Writer's Block: Luddites unite! [31 Mar 2010|01:53pm]
Are you worried about where technology will lead us? Do you think it's possible that civilization may someday turn away from technology altogether for the betterment of humankind?


I doubt it.
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Homie G-rafes. [12 Mar 2010|12:22am]
[ mood | curious ]

Giraffes are gorgeous.


Each time a giraffe lifts its neck, it's picking up approximately 550 pounds, but giraffes have the same number of vertebrae as humans.

Each giraffe has a unique coat pattern. Age can be determined by the number and color of spots.

They aren't mute, but generally do not make noise. I saw a video of a baby giraffe calling, and it sounded kind of like "UUUUURRRRRRRRRRHHHHHH." (I would post the video but it's mad long and the girl hosting it is awkward and boring).

Giraffes can survive for long periods of time without water, and have excellent eye sight. Their digestive system is similar to that of a cow. Giraffe hearts are 2 feet long and weighs approximately 25 pounds. Their hearts pump about 16 gallons of blood a minute.

Their enemies are lions and hyneas, but if a giraffe kicks a lion, oooh shit that lion is dead.

Giraffes live in herds. They sleep for 5 - 30 minutes a day, because they are bad ass. They need to be on their feet constantly in order to be safe from predators. They can sleep and give birth standing up. I wish I could do that.

As for their mating habits: the male giraffes will nudge the female's vagina with his head, causing her to urinate. The male will then taste her urine to determine whether or not she is ovulating. If she is, they will proceed to make giraffe babies.

Also, here is a giraffe fight. They bash each other with their necks, of course. It's pretty intense.

Damn, it would be cool to ride a giraffe. To work or school, preferably.

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Koolalas. [08 Mar 2010|10:01am]
Koalas have two thumbs, you guys. TWO THUMBS.

They eat a lot and sleep even more. Their teeth eventually get worn out from all the chewing. They can smell about a thousand times more than we can because of their big noses.

I was never sure if koalas made noise, but they go "EEEHHH!" and sound similar to pigs snorting.

Koalas are cool.
12 comments|post comment

Writer's Block: Ten years to the day [24 Feb 2010|11:14pm]
What do you expect to be doing ten years from today, and where do you hope to be living?

Oh, I know better than to expect things by now. Life never goes according to plan!

I hope to be living somewhere warmer, though x)
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For the lulz. [20 Feb 2010|11:05pm]
This is on file for the next time I'm having a shitty day and need to laugh ridiculously long at something completely immature.

grace & I do the best madlibsCollapse )
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Writer's Block: Animal magnetism [04 Feb 2010|11:21am]
What animal best represents your inner spirit? If you had to wake up as an animal, which one would you choose, and why? Are your two answers the same? Why or why not?



Because the only animal equally as cool is dinosaurs, and I don't really feel like being extinct yet.
1 comment|post comment

Writer's Block: A rose by any other name ... [21 Jan 2010|07:49pm]
How did you choose your LiveJournal username? Is there an interesting story behind it?

I heard on TV. From a crazy person.
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Awwww. [24 Dec 2009|11:29pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I got to open my big gift early. My family got me a macbook :)

9 comments|post comment

Badvertising. [08 Dec 2009|01:04pm]
[ mood | productive ]

I know a lot of you liked the post I did about the advertisement that kept showing up on my LJ. So I thought I would shamelessly advertise the blog I'm doing for intro to mass media. It was inspired by the same post.

Just click on the smoking pokemon!

2 comments|post comment

Lawlersk8z. [19 Nov 2009|03:39pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm doing a wonderful job procrastinating at the moment. This made me giggle.

"It’s like the Easter bunny just pooped on a unicorn. Miley Cyrus, tween America’s pole-prancing, party-in-the-U.S.A.-ing overlord, wants nothing to do with Twilight—arguably the only pop cultural benchmark more important to her target demographic than her own multi-media empire."

I'll admit, I read the first couple of chapters of Twilight. They're on sale at Walgreens, and I got a little curious as to what all the rage is about, so I started reading while I was at work. Couldn't finish the third chapter. I felt like I was like choking on hormones.

5 comments|post comment

Do this if you'd like. [23 Oct 2009|08:11pm]
The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about one another. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.
Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.
6 comments|post comment

Writer's Block: Ohhh, baby [20 Oct 2009|08:38pm]
If your best friend asked you OR your partner to help you conceive a child, would you consider it? How do you think it would affect your friendship and your relationship?

My friends are smart enough to know that they shouldn't come to me for a baby. I woudn't be able to stay away from drugs for 9 months, not to mention pregnancy is one of my greatest fears. As great as Andrew's sperm is, the kid would probably end up with crazy ADHD. Also I don't think Andrew would be down with that at all.

I would tell my friends they should really consider adoption and hope they would go through with it. I'm not sure if I ever want to raise kids, but if I do, I'll probably adopt.
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